Patterns of Habit vs. Change

I used to hate change, the thought of it would put my stomach in knots. Now I have a new philosophy: change is good. In fact, sometimes I feel like it is down right necessary for survival. I watch myself slowly drawn into life's montage of habits; days passing without my conscious knowledge. Of course, one could argue this would be attributed to the fact that I am a mother of an 8 month old bouncing boy. My brain is simply in "survival mode," creating patterns is a part of the criteria of motherhood. Wake up, feed the baby, change him, play with him, put him down for a nap, try to clean the house while he is sleeping, check facebook, Jer comes home, try to connect, make dinner, put the baby to bed, watch tv, go to sleep. Did I mention I have become a creature of habit? In fact, at times, my brain doesn't even realize I have completed this finely tuned regiment until I am head down in my pillow. The day is over.

Then there is the shock, that is the only way to get out of a regiment. My Papa died. Yes, death does it to you. In that moment when you are sitting on the germ filled hospital ground, your tears puddled around you. In those moments you have clarity, you realize "Yes we all die and yes we all only live once." And you can't help but embrace change- it becomes your new best friend because it makes you feel alive. Feeling truly alive becomes your obsession when you are face to face with death.

So what did I do? I embraced change. In one frantic day I went vegetarian, stored my microwave in the garage, officially quit my business, decided to run a 5K, and bought  all new furniture. I embraced change. It made me feel alive.  Maybe change is simply my coping mechanism for my grief, but it makes my brain light up and think consciously of each moment. In those moments I feel alive, released from the bondage of routine. In that moment I am free of my habits and the doors open up for new experiences; I am living life to its fullest. So change, who used to be my most dreaded enemy has now become my close friend. Ironic.